Lumen
by SYF
Summary: Amethyst and Sapphire arc 6. Hisoka ponders the actions and emotions of Tsuzuki and Tatsumi. Angst, humour and Agressive!Hisoka.


**Amethyst and Sapphire 6:**  
  
**_Lumen_**  
  
Kurosaki Hisoka wasn't usually emotional. In truth he much preferred to keep his emotions hidden away behind a cool façade, excessive emotions were not in his nature. But this was not to say that he did not vent his feelings once in a while. Most people, if they knew, would be looking at the emotional Hisoka with surprise and a small bit of fear. But this was no concern of his today. Today he was pacing around the small lab not caring that his cool reputation was going to suffer. Bah, he snarled silently, who cares about that when those two idiots were acting worse than him. At least he had taken a chance and opened his heart to his special person. But Tatsumi was being noble, and self-sacrificing, while Tsuzuki was hiding his sore heart behind a cheerful front. If Hisoka had not been brought up to be so polite he might have grabbed them and banged their head together. It was lucky for them both that manners had been grounded into his mind since childhood.  
  
It had been days since Hisoka had found Tsuzuki and Tatsumi talking civilly in his apartment. Both Hisoka and Watari had dropped both subtle and unsubtle hints around the two men. But Tatsumi would only glare, which was enough to stop them both, and Tsuzuki had blinked innocently. One would think that with everything Muraki had done to him, Tsuzuki would at least know something about sex. But apparently not. Which was why Hisoka was letting out steam in Watari's lab. At least here, if something blew up no one would notice, Hisoka thought sarcastically. He just wished Tatsumi and Tsuzuki would stop dancing around each other.  
  
A pale hand reached out and snagged Hisoka's wrist making the boy stop mid pace. He looked at the hand then traced the arm to a cheerful face surrounded by messy blond hair. "Calm down Bon, you'll wear a hole in the floor," Watari chided with a cheerful little grin. On his shoulder 003 chirped, apparently agreeing with the scientist.  
  
Hisoka's shoulders slumped. "But they're being so stubborn." He hated to admit it, but even to him his voice sounded whiny. Watari chuckled and pulled Hisoka' onto his lap. With a squawk the younger male landed on his lap. As if on cue Hisoka's face turned red. "Watari!!" he reprimanded. The scientist did not seem to care for Hisoka's embarrassment as he trapped Hisoka by embracing him.  
  
Ignoring the teen's annoyance Watari tapped Hisoka's nose with the tip of a slender finger. "Relax koi, there's always hope," Watari said with a quiet laugh. Hisoka glared at him dirtily.  
  
"What hope? At this rate I'll have to lock those two together in a room stocked with every kind of lubrication available as well as sex toys before they get the point." Hisoka sounded thoroughly disgusted with his colleagues' absolute, in his opinion, stupidity regarding each other. It took quite a lot of effort not to yell at them to just screw each other. Somehow though, Hisoka did not think that would go down well. Tatsumi would most probably cackle wickedly as his shadows tore Hisoka to bits.  
  
Watari could not help a snicker from escaping his throat. He found that mental image very amusing, that and the thought of petite Hisoka ever forcing the kagetsukai to do anything against his will. Irritated at his cavalier attitude, and the feeling that Watari was laughing at him, Hisoka dug his elbow into Watari's ribs sharply. "Itai!" the scientist complained, pouting at the empath. Rolling his eyes at his boyfriend's dramatics Hisoka leaned forward and placed a quick kiss on Watari's lips.  
  
"Happy?" he asked exasperatedly. 003 squawked cheerfully at the interaction between the two lovers. Hisoka glanced up at the bird. "That bird of yours is a voyeur, I hope you know that," he announced. Watari turned his head to see 003 better. The bird looked around innocently with wide eyes, pretending not to notice Hisoka's glare.  
  
A laugh escaped Watari's throat. "003? Of course he is," he replied cheerfully, "Just like me."  
  
A smile crossed Hisoka's lips. It was not a comforting smile. It rivalled Tatsumi's saccharine smile in its toxicity. "Watari, do you have any idea how close I am to strangling you?" he asked ever so sweetly.  
  
Watari sweatdropped. He really should learn to keep his mouth shut, especially around an easily irritated boyfriend. Hisoka was quite nice most of the time but there was a boundary he could not cross. This was one of them. I have such a troublesome boyfriend, Watari thought to himself exasperatedly, such high maintenance. However he did not voice such thoughts out loud since that would have been dangerous to his continuing health. Instead he smiled weakly and apologised, "Eheh, gomen ne."  
  
Lucky for him, Hisoka was very forgiving. Or it could also be the fact that Hisoka was too busy planning how to get Tatsumi and Tsuzuki together to care for long. "Kami-sama, what am I supposed to do with those two? Maybe I could just blast them with lustful feelings then lock them in a room together," Hisoka wondered out loud. Obviously he was getting desperate.  
  
"Er...Not a good idea Bon," Watari said nervously. He happened to like his boyfriend in one piece thank you very much.  
  
Hisoka sighed, hanging his head in frustration. "Yeah, you're right," he said softly, "I just want them to be happy. Eternity is a long time to be alone."  
  
Watari dipped his head and kissed Hisoka's temple. Hisoka did truly have a caring heart no matter how cold he acted, that was the reason Watari had fallen in love with him after all. That and his extraordinarily pretty face, but that was secondary. "You can't push them do something they don't feel comfortable doing. It might be a good idea for some people but for others..." Watari trailed off knowing that Hisoka understood. Some people ran and hid when they were pushed.  
  
I hate the fact that I died as a teenager. No, to be truthful, I don't hate it, but it is inconvenient. Very few ever take me seriously. Very few bother to look beyond my appearance. Every time I meet someone I can see their eyes scanning my body then disregarding me because I look like a child. And each time I'll pretend not to care, scowling at them, looking away, anything to make the anger go away. But now I don't care so much anymore. Now it doesn't really hurt as much. I suppose it's because the patronising feels different now, comforting. More like family rather than anything else. My...friends, if that is the proper term for it, treat me like a little brother rather than a defenceless little kid. And they're opinion is the one that matters the most. Not just because I have to work with them, but also because they are closer to me than mere colleagues.  
  
Sometimes though, they'll slip back into their old habits and see me as a kid. Sometimes they think I can't hear what they're saying in their hearts, that I can't see the looks in their eyes. Neither Tatsumi nor Tsuzuki notice me when I study them, watching for some clue to their character. I might be Tsuzuki's partner and Tatsumi's colleague but that does not entitle me to their emotions or thoughts. So maybe it's no surprise that I see more than they do. I can see the loneliness in their eyes and their heart. And I can see their hollow eyes wishing for something to hold onto.  
  
Every shinigami needs a reason to exist. I exist because I wanted revenge, but now I don't want Muraki's death as much as I want to exist with Watari by my side as long as I possibly can. Everyone has his or her reason. Tatsumi's main reason for existing is Tsuzuki. So long as my partner exists so will Tatsumi because everybody needs a knight-in-shining-armour, even if they don't realise they have one. Tatsumi exists to protect Tsuzuki from anyone, including himself. I am sure he has other reasons but Tsuzuki is his main one. I don't know why he began to protect Tsuzuki or why he wanted to do it from so far away but that is his wish. I don't intend to go traipsing around in Tatsumi's mind or emotions for the sake of curiosity.  
  
Tsuzuki though, I don't know who or what he exists for. It's not for Tatsumi, as much as I wish it would be. No, it's for some hidden reason. I think...I think it is a form of atonement. He has done something in his life that has hurt him so badly that he cannot to rest. I am almost afraid to find out what it is. Anything that could make someone as seemingly carefree as Tsuzuki attempt suicide had to be bad. Tatsumi told me once that I was a good partner for Tsuzuki and to look after him. Some time though, I am scared of him. I am scared of what Tsuzuki could accomplish if he puts his mind to it. I would rather face Muraki than have to face Tsuzuki at his worst.  
  
Tsuzuki seems strong though, strong enough to resist giving into insanity as many shinigami have. He seems strong enough to live out his afterlife with a smile each day. But I see beyond the physical and what I can see scares me. Tsuzuki is slipping each day. Each smile he smiles is breaking his heart. And each time he laughs, it's so brittle. I can almost hear it rub his throat raw. I sometimes think he laughs to hide the sound of his heart being chipped away by memories. I haven't told anyone about this. Who am I supposed to tell? Watari? It's not his problem. Enma? Why would he care about a simple, albeit destructive, worker, and if he thought he was a threat he would just kill him. The shikigami? They have as little influence on Tsuzuki as I do. He'll smile and nod at them, and go on as he had before. Tatsumi? No, he would only feel uncomfortable about it. He would feel it is his duty to do something but in the end he can't give Tsuzuki the support he needs. So I have no choice but to keep quite. I can't talk to Tsuzuki, what could I say? That I know that every time he goes out to face Muraki he secretly wishes that he would die, that each time he kills someone he hopes the same peace would visit him, that when he thinks about his past another part of him dies.  
  
It pains me though, each time I see him after a case. Each time he'll smile that painful smile that tells anyone who knows him well that he was hurting. When I see that I either want to hide until the Tsuzuki I thought I knew is back, or keep him hidden away from the world, safe from everything. But I know neither of them are realistic reactions. He is an adult, he can look after himself. But when I see a piece of him torn away each time he has to kill someone...  
  
I wish I could say with all honesty that Tsuzuki won't ever fade away. I wish I could say that all of his smiles are real and that his laugh is only full of joy. But I can't. I would only be lying if I did. I think...I think there might be a way to salvage the situation though.  
  
Tatsumi.  
  
Or at least someone that Tsuzuki can hang onto, someone who accepts him with all his faults attached. Someone who is willing to go to any lengths to keep him safe. Tatsumi seems to be the best option. I think Tatsumi can keep him anchored. They complement each other. I can see them supporting each other, giving each other a helping hand. Time, however, is a factor. I know that Tatsumi loves Tsuzuki and waits for a chance to express his emotions, even if he is unaware of that, but I can tell that if things go on as they are even Tatsumi will lose hope. If things continue as they are now, it is likely that Tatsumi too will begin to lose his hold on reality.  
  
You can't fall in love with someone and hide that emotion forever, no matter how much control Tatsumi has. Lately I've begun to see the same emotions in Tatsumi's eyes that I see in Tsuzuki's. There is a sense of hopelessness, a sense of frustration, and a sense of despair. It might be worry, it might be weariness, it might be strain from having to lie to himself and everyone else about his emotions. I don't know. But I do know that each second Tatsumi is losing his grips on life. When Tsuzuki comes back and brushes past him with only a painful smile for him, I see his hand reach out, as if to touch him. But he doesn't. He doesn't because he believes he has lost his chance. Tsuzuki does nothing to refute this. How am I supposed to convince him that Tsuzuki does not hate him? Maybe I should just lock them up after all.  
  
No. I don't think we have enough money to fix up JuOhCho after Tatsumi blows it up. And I don't think Watari would be very happy with me. He believes I should guide them not force them. The things you do for the people you love. Urgh, who would ever have thought that I would even think about something like this in conjunction with Watari. Certainly not me. I guess this is proof that I'm in love with the baka, not that I had been in doubt before, but this was the final straw so to speak.  
  
Maybe it's time we stop sneaking around. According to what Tatsumi said, no one really cares. And if they did, I don't doubt that our friends would rally to support us. Dying isn't that bad after all. I get a wonderful lover who adores me, friends who like me, and colleagues who don't think I'm a freak. The last is probably because they're all freaks themselves. Still, the afterlife is going great for me.  
  
"Daijoubu 'Soka-kun?"  
  
The Hell! I look up to see Tsuzuki smiling at me quizzically. "Er..." What did he just ask me? This is why I hate puzzles, they make you think about them when you should be concentrating on work instead.  
  
"Are you all right? I've been calling your name for a while now," Tsuzuki's smile grows wider, "Oh, I get it, you were thinking about your boyfriend, ne?"  
  
"Nani?" I squeak out, coughing afterwards to get rid of the sudden change in my voice. I thought I had already gone through puberty already.  
  
Tsuzuki laughed, a hint of the same brittleness that I always head beneath his voice was present. "Don't worry I won't tell Tatsumi," he teases, revealing nothing of his true feelings in his face.  
  
"Tell me what?" A deeper, far more serious voice asks. Both Tsuzuki and I look up to find Tatsumi standing a few feet away from us, an eyebrow arched in question. Kami-sama, why me?  
  
Tsuzuki is still smiling. "Nan demo nai," he says cheerfully. Tatsumi doesn't look like he believes him and to be truthful I wouldn't believe a smiling Tsuzuki either. Tsuzuki smiling like that spells trouble for someone, usually himself. Underneath that smile though I can see his weariness. Tatsumi sees it as well, I think. Maybe that's why Tatsumi is smiling at Tsuzuki a lot more gently than before. Not that Tsuzuki notices. I don't mean that he's self-centred but he is too exhausted to be looking for the silver lining. When I look at Tatsumi though I can also see the same weariness reflected in him.  
  
They are both so tired to pretending to be fine. Both of them are so tired of reaching out and finding nothing but air. Neither of them will admit it though. So what am I supposed to do? "Would you two like to eat lunch with Watari and me?"...Why did I just ask that question?  
  
Both of them look surprised by my query. "You and Watari are having lunch together?" Tsuzuki blurts out. I was close to hurting him. Of all the things to derive from my sentence he has to focus on that? What kind of perverted and nosy friends do I have?  
  
"Yes we are. Do you have a problem with that?" I'd like to think I sounded strong but I get the feeling I ended up sounding sulky. Damn my childish features.  
  
Tsuzuki blinks. "But why – "  
  
"Ahem," Tatsumi interrupts with a cough, when Tsuzuki turns to look at him he smiles faintly, "Do you remember that conversation we had a few nights ago?" he asks pointedly.  
  
Purple eyes widen. Now he gets it. "You mean – 'Soka-kun and Watari are..." he trails off. Tatsumi nods. I just know that my face is absolutely red. I just know it.  
  
"What about me and Hisoka?" And of course Watari enters the conversation now. Why must my life be so full of coincidences?  
  
Tsuzuki's sudden smile is blinding. Nothing of the shadow is in his eyes now, only stars. "Nanto kawaii!" he squeals like a high school girl, "You and 'Soka are a couple!!!" Could he say it any louder? Watari and I are suddenly the centre of attention, not just from Tsuzuki and Tatsumi, but everyone within reach of Tsuzuki's voice, which is to say, the whole office. Maybe the floor will swallow me up. Maybe a demon will suddenly attack JuOhCho. Maybe Time will reverse and those words will never have been squealed.  
  
I'm sure Tsuzuki meant well but this wasn't exactly how I wanted to reveal the whole thing. I should have known better though. Nothing in my life goes as planned. Already I can hear our colleagues whispering to each other, passing the gossip. K'so. "Thank you for saving me the trouble of announcing it myself," I grouse.  
  
Tsuzuki's eyes widen and shimmer with sorrow. "Oh! I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to do that. I was just so happy for you and..." he trails off looking so apologetic that I didn't have it in my heart of be angry anymore. Damn Tsuzuki and his puppy-dog eyes. Why can't I ever say 'no' to them?  
  
I sigh. "It doesn't matter. We don't mind."  
  
Watari supports me in this. "Of course not. We're all friends here and friends don't keep secrets." I don't think Watari realised the impact his words had on the two. Both of them wince and I wince along with them. Those two have far too much secrets that would be dangerous to release all at once. I hope Watari realises this.  
  
"Anyway," I pipe up trying to distract them, "Neither of you answered me. Would you two like to each lunch with Watari and me?"  
  
"I'd love to." Not surprisingly, that came from Tsuzuki.  
  
Tatsumi pushes his glasses up with one hand and holds up a file in the other. "I am sorry but I can't. I have far too much work to do."  
  
Tsuzuki pouts then smiles widely. "Well, in that case, I'm sorry too Tatsumi."  
  
"Naze?" Tatsumi asks, looking very confused. I can empathise, I feel that way too when Tsuzuki says something like that with that evil-innocent smile.  
  
"Because I'm going to have to insist that you come along. It'll be fun, just the four of us." Oh kami-sama. He's turned on the full charm now. Inu- Tsuzuki his wriggling his tail like there's no tomorrow and his eyes are taking more than half his face, and shimmering with fake tears. I could almost feel sorry for Tatsumi.  
  
"I – but – you...fine," Tatsumi sighs, his shoulders slumping in defeat. He should have known better than to try and resist Tsuzuki. Not even I am immune to that pathetic face.  
  
I tap Watari on the back of his hand and arched one of my eyebrows meaningfully while inclining my head towards the two. He grins back, just as smug as I am, before turning back to Inu-Tsuzuki, who is snuggling against Tatsumi, talking happily about the food he wanted to eat. The usually icy secretary is looking both chagrined and annoyed. "Let's go then. I say we order some Chinese," Watari calls loudly interrupting Tsuzuki mid-word.  
  
Tsuzuki shakes his head. "No, I want Mexican."  
  
"I would suggest traditional Japanese myself," Tatsumi disagrees. All four of us begin to walk towards the exit just arguing over food. The others are still whispering about Watari and I but somehow I can't seem to care.  
  
I can feel a smile growing on my face. I am lucky indeed.  
  
Owari   
  
Author's Note: Yay! About as pointless as "Angel's Heaven". Even more so really. I have no idea what the point of this fic was, it just came to mind and down on the metaphorical paper it went. It was kind of weird writing Hisoka. I don't really know what to think of him so if he seems a little OOC, gomen.  
  
Hisoka in my mind is mature but still a child in all respects. He might act cold and tough but he doesn't have the heart to be like that all the time. As mature as he is, he is still a teenager at heart. And we all know what 16 to 21 year olds are like, somewhat naïve and idealistic when it comes down to it.  
  
If you've stuck around long enough to read my rant, domo arigatou gozaimasu. If you can't understand some of the Japanese, just tell me.  
  
Now, to address the issue of putting the whole arc together under one title. The reason I put them separately is because in the future some of the stories are definitely going to be more than one chapter and I didn't want to mix them up. And generally, most of these are stand alone, you can read them separately or together as you wish. But if you want them to be together, put them in the chapter review. I'll take a vote and which ever one wins, is it. As you can see, is opposing me on the matter of format. Gomen ne for the strange way it changes from third person to first person. There was a divider, but it disappeared.  
  
Ja,  
  
SYF 


End file.
